Why don't more films come like this?
Some sweet ass artwork you can pull out.
It reminds me of the old computer game Barbarian with Maria Whittaker (and Wolf of TV's Gladiator fame) and their pull out poster.
Anyway, I digress!
Did I like it this time around?
Yes!
I was expecting hacking, evil wizards and bewbs.
This film had all of that, in heaps and more!
It is a sword and sorcery cliched titillation extravaganza of nonsense, who could only have been created back in the 80's.
Our hero mr Deathstalker starts by saving a female from being raped by a dude, he kills the dude and the evil mutant types but then tries to force himself on her once all the others are dead, she resists then capitulates as is the way in so many Conan stories.
Many think she is playing hard to get and being coy but then gives in to her true desires, I personally think she is being raped and realises that she can't fight him so gives in, this is kind of backed up by the fact that when Deathstalker is interrupted she runs away..
After that he meets a usurped king in a field who is eating a dog.
He tries to persuade our hero to kill the evil wizard and get the king back his throne.
Deathstalker can't really give less of a shit so buggers off, even after being told the kings daughter is captive!
But somehow later he goes to visit his mag hag witch woman who persuades him that he ought to give a shit and then he heads off to kill the wizard.
Along the way he meets dude that wears a sort of crop top scale mail vest, it covers his pecs but not his abdomen.
Ahhh you may think, this is because we will later see a woman wearing such silly armour and this is an attempt to balance things out?
Well true enough we do meet a female hero soon after, but she actually has no armour on her chest, or any clothes on her chest at all.
Her baps are big and bouncy and out for all to see.
Which in terms of titillation is good, but in terms of sense is utter arse.
So they head off, fight bad guys, and go to the evil wizards city to take part in the great tournament.
It turns out the wizard is dying and wants to leave his empire to the best most worthy successor, clearly the winner of the tournament!
There is much fighting, women wrestling in mud, gratuitous boobs, obligatory dwarf actors being comedy fools, and all the tropey nonsense you would expect.
Now...
I am often asked if the monster from the cover is in the film, to which I say always say no.
However, on careful inspection it is in the film, it just looks nothing like it.
The monster is actually a man in a pig mask.
So anyway, there is much magic, sex, fighting and much much cheese.
It terms of sword and sorcery tropes, it has them all.
I feel that if it avoided the comedy scenes it would be a decent fantasy film.
TRUE RATING: 3/10
RATING AS A SWORDS AND SORCERY FILM: 7/10
RATING AS A SWORDS AND SORCERY FILM: 7/10
SAMANTHA'S RATING AS SWORD AND SORCERY: 7/10
Completely forgotten this one. And that a bit undeserved becaues it was one of the better HF movies (which isn´t that hard to achieve). In fact I now remember a few things - it seems that some of the props were recycled in later productions. The intro sequence of The Scorpion King resembles seems to use the tavern(?) from Deathstalker and the helmets of the Unsullied from GoT have a strange resemblance to the helmets of the Riders in DS. But I may be wrong and my rememberance fails me now.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I remember that I enjoyed all four movies at least as far to watch them until the end and not fell asleep. All four movies have a different feel - with the first and the last the closest storywise. For sure not the greatest fantasy movies but far from the worst. Your critique get´s it right IMHO. And I´seen far worser movies from Roger Corman.
Nice shout out of Palace Software´s game. I´ve got a small anecdote regarding this title. During the mid-eighties the BPjM* was absolutely rabid regarding movies and games with violent content. Or what they considered violent. That means that media was effectively banned from being advertised and sold to people younger than eighteen - effectively a kind of censorship (which was confirmed by judges finally by the end of the nineties and the BPjM was stripped by a lot of it´s powers). Well, on the list of indexed games were abstract titles like Raid on Bungeling Bay, several Microprose simulations, including Gunship and Silent Service, and shooters like Commandos and Who Dares Wins.**
Well, as soon Barbarian: The Ultimate Warrior was announced it was clear that it would be indexed in days after being published. That day the agency learned to know the creativity of 14 to 16 years olds. We locals pre-ordered the game at a local shop (I think it was some kind of drug-store or something back then) and stormed it on the day Barbarians was published. I think the old owner made the deal of the year this day.
* more on this strange federal agency: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Federal_Department_for_Media_Harmful_to_Young_Persons#The_List_in_detail
** And it miserably failed in it´s job - we always got to play the games or watched the movies. And we got VERY creative in reaching this goal. Forbidden fruits always taste best.