I Got The Horn

In order to immerse myself in fantasy goodness I have:

MY FILMS 

MY SWORD

RANDOM SKULLS

MY CONAN MAP AND ART

AND NOW MY HORN!!

What nerdy fantasy prop type stuff do you have?

Kull The Conqueror

Just don't.

Films On Display

I decided that the office needs more fantasy dressing.
I have my hand drawn map of Hyboria, my replica sword from Conan, some skulls and that sort of stuff.
But films...?


So I put up some shelves and can spin around to see this gloriousness!

Huzzah!

Must do another film review.

Review - Deathstalker

So before I even review the film I want to say how cool the DVD box is.
Why don't more films come like this?

Some sweet ass artwork you can pull out.

It reminds me of the old computer game Barbarian with Maria Whittaker (and Wolf of TV's Gladiator fame) and their pull out poster.




Anyway, I digress!

The first time I saw this must have been about 30 years ago.

Did I like it this time around?
Yes!

I was expecting hacking, evil wizards and bewbs.
This film had all of that, in heaps and more!

It is a sword and sorcery cliched titillation extravaganza of nonsense, who could only have been created back in the 80's.

Our hero mr Deathstalker starts by saving a female from being raped by a dude, he kills the dude and the evil mutant types but then tries to force himself on her once all the others are dead, she resists then capitulates as is the way in so many Conan stories.
Many think she is playing hard to get and being coy but then gives in to her true desires, I personally think she is being raped and realises that she can't fight him so gives in, this is kind of backed up by the fact that when Deathstalker is interrupted she runs away..

After that he meets a usurped king in a field who is eating a dog.
He tries to persuade our hero to kill the evil wizard and get the king back his throne.
Deathstalker can't really give less of a shit so buggers off, even after being told the kings daughter is captive!

But somehow later he goes to visit his mag hag witch woman who persuades him that he ought to give a shit and then he heads off to kill the wizard.
Along the way he meets dude that wears a sort of crop top scale mail vest, it covers his pecs but not his abdomen.
Ahhh you may think, this is because we will later see a woman wearing such silly armour and this is an attempt to balance things out?
Well true enough we do meet a female hero soon after, but she actually has no armour on her chest, or any clothes on her chest at all.
Her baps are big and bouncy and out for all to see.
Which in terms of titillation is good, but in terms of sense is utter arse.

So they head off, fight bad guys, and go to the evil wizards city to take part in the great tournament.
It turns out the wizard is dying and wants to leave his empire to the best most worthy successor, clearly the winner of the tournament!

There is much fighting, women wrestling in mud, gratuitous boobs, obligatory dwarf actors being comedy fools, and all the tropey nonsense you would expect.

Now...
I am often asked if the monster from the cover is in the film, to which I say always say no.
However, on careful inspection it is in the film, it just looks nothing like it.
The monster is actually a man in a pig mask.

So anyway, there is much magic, sex, fighting and much much cheese.

It terms of sword and sorcery tropes, it has them all.
I feel that if it avoided the comedy scenes it would be a decent fantasy film.

TRUE RATING:   3/10
RATING AS A SWORDS AND SORCERY FILM:   7/10

SAMANTHA'S RATING AS SWORD AND SORCERY:   7/10

Review - Barbarian Queen

The first time I saw this must have been about 30 years ago, when it came out on VHS.

So I only have vague memories of it.
I recall that I liked it, but that was about it.

Did I like it this time around?
Yes, mostly.


I was expecting hacking, evil wizards and bewbs.
This film had that, mostly, don't recall the evil wizard to be honest, definitely had boobage and hacking. 

So, we have a village attacked on wedding day, the men folk are taken prisoner and most of the women raped and or killed.
Our hero hides in the bath (not as bad as it sounds to be fair) and she survives the attack.
Gathering other bad ass women from the village she sets off to rescue her captured man and sister.

She heads off to the bad guys city and along the way rescues people, kills more men in mid-rape and generally kicks a lot of man ass.

The fight scenes are not too bad, they look like a sort of genuine brawl with swords, rather than a tightly choreographed dance scene.

The city as a set is not that bad, I expected very flimsy wooden sets, but it did not look that bad, it was not flat and level like some half arsed build on a field either, it had raised areas and steps and could even have passed muster as a real city.
The costumes are of fair quality and despite the cover, they mostly wear sensible clothes.

The lead is not unconvincing as a hero type, she is perhaps taller than most and whilst not slim, she is not thin.
It is not too much of a stretch to imagine her as a kicker of ass.

There are rape scenes and sexual torture scenes, though they come across as soft porn tropes rather than brutal and meant to shock.Oh and the music was by James Horner, but that did not help save it to be fair as it was pretty poor.


Summary?
Very much of its time.
Soft porn with women being abused but getting their revenge.
Sort of a reversal of the standard film of the day.


PPS: What even does that tag line mean?


TRUE RATING:   2/10
RATING AS A SWORDS AND SORCERY FILM:   5/10
SAMANTHA'S RATING AS SWORD AND SORCERY:   4/10

Review - The Barbarians

The first time I saw this must have been about 30 years ago, when it came out on VHS.

So I only have vague memories of it.
I recall that I liked it, but that was about it.

Did I like it this time around?
Yes.
But for different reasons than I expected.

I was expecting bad swords and sorcery, barbarians beating the crud out of bad guys, women showing their gratitude by getting their baps out and villains having evil female wizards who also get their baps out.
Also with a lot of films of this type and age there is the obligatory rape of some sort.

This film however had none of that.
The bad guy did have an evil female wizard, but she wore sensible clothes and her power over people came from her craft not the exploitation of men through their bits via her baps.
The bad villain captured a woman who he coveted but he never forced himself on her and he remained frustrated.

In fact the only sex scene iirc is when a harem decide to take advantage of the barbarian twins, it is all very consensual.

Not only did it avoid all those less admirable things, it also did not take itself seriously, it was a sort of parody.
It knew it was a cheesey film and the characters hammed it up.
It was a light hearted romp of sorts.

All the tropes were there, bad villains, evil monsters, overlords, sneaking into palaces, tavern brawls, female sidekicks, misunderstood heroes etc etc.

But you know what, it worked, it is not serious and does not try to be, as is clear from one of the twins bizarre war cry/noises.
But is was enjoyable.

I would say go watch it, if only cause it is something a bit different.
Just don't expect anything serious and moody.

In fact if they announced a sequel I would watch it.

TRUE RATING:   2/10 
RATING AS A SWORDS AND SORCERY FILM:   6/10

SAMANTHA'S RATING AS SWORD AND SORCERY:   6/10

Barbarian Films

I just ordered 3 DVDs.

I have seen all the films but I don't own them.

I figured I should start building up my sword and sorcery collection which is currently a feeble lot like this?




EDIT: I do have Conan the Barbarian btw, it is on lend.


These are what I just ordered:

I have fond memories of The Barbarians, but have not seen it in about 30 years, so it may well be very very shite.
As for Deathstalker, saw that a few months back, but good to own it.
Barbarian Queen?  Giggity for sure.