Happy Holidays

May your loot by great and your feast hearty!

Humble Beginnings

For the longest time I never bought myself any treats, no cool stuff just for the sake of it.
I figured that I did not need anything so would save my money for either Samantha’s birthday and Christmas, or for Charlotte.

However, as a family we attended GeekMania and I saw a replica sword from Conan.
Samantha insisted I treat myself as I never do, so I did.

My first bit of self bought Conan merch for the office:




Of course I already had my great Funko’s and small comic / book collection:






My birthday was soon after the show and Samantha bought me a hand made, hand drawn map of Hyboria:



It is very lovely and the lady who makes them can be found online HERE


I then figured I needed a couple of bits of artwork on my wall.
And maybe a mug, and a cushion and…



In the space of a month I have managed to turn to dull office into the starts of something with a bit more fantasy flavour.

Now, what next?

And do you have any merch to show off?

Why I Like Conan

So I started a sand and sorcery blog and then moaned about the quality of films and talked about the sexism and racism in REH’s writing.

Do I even like the Conan and or the genre at all?

Hell yes.

I first read Conan as a teenager, it is fair to say that the appeal of a manly man who defeated his enemies through guile and raw manly manliness who also got the girl, was strong.

I am sure back then the less acceptable connotations were lost on me as the above was the draw.

I guess I read the books first then saw the film?

To be honest I am not sure, but the film blew my mind.

It was the business.

I still think it is amazing today.

The story itself is a complete fabrication and Arnie does not really look like Conan at all, he has the wrong colour hair, the wrong colour eyes and Arnie has a naked chest, where as Conan had a hairy chest.

So whilst not really a Conan story in the pure sense, it is still a great piece of film work.

The sets are gorgeous and testament to what artisans can make.

The score is perfect and the story is in the right vein, that is to say it is a personal story and not one about saving the world from destruction.

There are so many very cool things in the film.

It is for me, the best film in its genre to date.

I felt it captured the world, and that is what I love about it to this day.

Interestingly the film being much more modern than the books does not have simple savage tribes of black people as the bad guys.

Yes, Thulsa Doom is black, clearly, but he is not a savage tribesman.

It also has a mix of protagonists rather than a single white guy.

But anyway, I read the books as a boy and loved them, saw the film and loved it.

In fact back then I would go down to the village and into the local video shop and hire all the fantasy films I could. I have seen many many terrible 80’s and 90’s sword and sorcery films.

But back then I loved them all.

The thing about Conan stories is that they are easy.

You don’t have complicated twisting plots, you don’t have intrigue and politics, you don’t a story arc that goes on for longer than it should.

You have simple, formulaic short stories that deliver the same thing each time.

They are pulp, and that is OK.

In today’s life style where time is precious I am glad to be able to pick something up and finish it before I have aged another year.

TV shows seem to drag on for years when the story should have concluded seasons ago.

You want to know what happens, but after years of watching the same stuff happen over and over you kind of don’t care anymore, it gets boring.

Conan stories are bish, bash, bosh, done!

Cheap thrills I guess.

So the accessibility and time required to enjoy a story is a big draw for me.

The character of Conan is more complex than those not familiar with him would know, he is not completely two dimensional, and he himself whilst unaccustomed to the ways of polite society has some redeeming attitudes toward life.

But the thing I like most, is not him, though he is a big factor in it, the thing I like most, is the world.

It is for me, fantastic and yet utterly believable.

There is one dominant intelligent race, man.

No elves, dwarves, orcs, goblins, pixies, gnomes, trolls, ogres, ratmen, beastmen, frogmen, dragons, centaurs, gnolls, treemen, halflings, kobolds, hobgoblins, drow, minotaurs, mermaids, catfolf, giants, etc etc.

A world in which numerous races could exist for millennia without some sort of genocide having wiped out all but the most dominant race seems to me, unlikely, unless we refer back to ooh magic, or ooh the gods.

I like that religion is cultural and varied, and for the most part the gods do no nothing to interfere in the lives of Man.

(Are they even real?)

I like the way the different lands are described and the fact REH draws from the real world and blends them with myth and fantasy and makes a new world that is convincing.

For me the only issue with this stitching together of various cultures is that the various technology levels do not always sit well with me. 

But then I guess the actual world was like that.

I like that magic is rare and that some of the magic employed by sorcerers is in fact science, poisons on fingernails that seem to be a ‘touch of death’ spell. Herbs and plants that are used to make ‘magical potions’, the power of suggestion when combined with deep rooted cultural superstitions and hypnosis used as ‘mind control’.

Of course there is proper magic, the raising of the dead, the hurling of energy at enemies, the manipulation of the elements, and the summoning of creatures from other planes but it is never cheesy.

It is dark and terrible and you know the wizard has made some dark pact with some unnameable thing in order to have this power.

There are no energy discs to carry your rations on, no reversing gravity, no antimagic zones, no bags of holding, no vorpal swords, no armour of ghost repulsion, no flutes of giddy laughter, no pools of life, and certainly no wands of wonder.

The world is ancient and whilst civilisation is spreading and man is maturing, the world is still littered with far away forgotten glimpse of the past.

Signs that all is not as it seems, Man is not alone and other things exist out there.

It is I think very much low fantasy, almost an alternate version of history, and this is what I like, it is eay to relate to within the confines of its own setting, it is plausible.

This from a gaming point of view makes it easy to find inspiration for names, clothing, weapons, architecture and beliefs. 

It makes gaming very easy, but at the same time discourages ooh magic and hand wavium. 

Plus actions have very real consequences, oh no Belit is dead…

I cast Resurrection!

Yay, Belit is not dead any more. 

Anyway, to summarise.

I think the world of REH is accessible to all, easy to buy into whilst still being vast and rich.

Nothing is over the top for the sake of it, it is the story of an extraordinary man in an ordinary world (in its own context), driven by his desire to enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

There are no gods to fight, no dragons to slay, no wizards to prevent from destroying the world.

There is but mirth, steel, and a strong arm to wield it. 

REH - Product Of His Time?

So I have been wanting to write a piece about my hesitance to talk about Conan to those who know a bit about it.
Most Joe public persons will probably not know much outside the films.
Those that have read the books will of course know more and it is these people to whom I am wary of sharing my love of Conan with.

Why so?
They will be aware of the inherent sexism, misogyny and racism.
There is no doubt REH was a product of his time, though that does not excuse it.
I could write for years about this and cite scores of examples from his works, however I will briefly touch upon some issues and invite you to respond via the comments.


Is it sexist first of all?
Yes, though not horribly so.
REH does have strong women, those that are physically capable such as Belit and Valeria (Red Sonja not actually being a REH character).
There are also characters like Yasmela and Yasmina (hmmm?) who are political rulers of nations.

The misogyny is also clear, though there is a case to argue it is something else.
Pretty much most of the females with a few notable exceptions are damsels in distress.
They either seek Conan’s aid and then throw themselves on him in gratitude, or get his help be it solicited or not, and then refuse his advances as he pushes himself onto them (uncomfortable yet, you really should be) until they yield. (because they are playing hard to get or actually he is sexually assaulting them and he simply overpowers them?)

The fact the women are supple, curved, heaving, pouting, lithe, supple, curved, etc does not nothing to help the case against the above.

It is often uncomfortable reading for me at times and I will ignore or think of some other reason to explain away his treatment of women.

Let me know your thoughts.

So I think it is fair to say there is some degree of sexism in Conan, but it is not as blatant as is the racism.

The Racism, is something that you simply can not deny, surely?
Conan is white (well bronzed but you know what I mean), the females who are objects of desire are white, in fact the paler they are the more desirable they are.

The evil savage characters are often black, and the blacker they are the more ancient and evil.
When Conan is described fighting it is all about his muscles, strength and vitality.
When the black characters are described, it is all about their black thews, ebony chests, black arms, black this etc..
REH likes to mention they are black an awful lot.

Anyway, as I noted above I could have written a lot more about this subject, but instead I would like for us to have a nice discussion about it in the comments section if you so feel inclined.

Next Up, What it is I actually LIKE about Conan!

Why Do Fantasy Films Suck?

So ok, not all of them, but a great many ones do.
It took me a while to figure out why, and there are a number of reasons.

It’s a kind of Magic!
I think the first and foremost is lazy writing.
Not sure why the thing is even a thing? magic!
How does the hero survive the terrible death? magic!
Why even do ice creatures dwell in the lava fields? magic!
Worried the writing makes no sense and you don’t know how to rationalise it? Magic!

Seems to me that ‘oh its magic’ is an overused and crappy way of explaining some nonsense away.
For shame.

(oh and you can most likely substitute The Gods in place of magic!)

But that is not my main reason for why they suck.
Nor is this, but it is close:

Kill the Evil Sorcerer!
Too many fantasy films are about saving the world from some mad sorcerer bent on destroying it or something significant like a kingdom.
(which in itself makes no sense really)

One example of this that springs readily to mind is the new Conan film.
Conan stories were not about saving the world, saving his own ass maybe, or saving that pretty girl over there.
But mostly about saving his own hide and getting some personal profit in the process.

But also Lord of the Rings.
Red Sonja, Willow, Conan the Destroyer, Hawk the Slayer, Ator, The Warrior and the Sorceress, The Sword and the Sorcerer, Deathstalker, etc.

Not every bad guy has to be a wizard that wants to rule the world.

But mostly I think fantasy films are ruined by this person:

The Comedy Sidekick.

Why do so many fantasy films have a comedy sidekick?
They suck camels humps…

Now I am not saying comedy should be absent from fantasy films, but as in life, the comedy moments come from funny events, not a buffoon following you around.

Take Conan the Barbarian, the camel punch. Comedy moment, but not a cretin falling off something or banging his head.

Comedy sidekicks seem to be mostly inept, require saving and produce cheap laughs that make no sense and add no real value, just as Magic!

But it is not limited to sidekicks, the new Conan film has a preposterous scene where Conan propels a bad guy via a siege engine through the air into the ship being carried across land on elephants.

Red Sonja is utterly ruined by Prince Tarn.

So many fantasy films have a comedy sidekick added and or forced unnatural comedy moments.
This is much less frequent in sci-fi.

The best films are about the people, you get invested in one or more characters and you care if they live or die.
You don’t make a fantasy film great by making it funny.
You make it great by having a well written story with people you can get attached to.


Anyway, I am losing my way.

Fantasy films can be serious and good.

Conan the Barbarian is this.
I would say that Hercules (The Rocks version) is also this. (mostly).
Clash of the Titans.
Wrath of the Titans.
Season of the Witch.
Solomon Kane.
Beowulf.
Jason and the Argonauts, Sinbad and much of the Ray Harryhausen films.
Excalibur.
Black Death.
Immortals.
No doubt others too that I can’t recall right now, though a lot of 80's fantasy films are serious, just not good so do they count...?

Anyway, forced comedy has ruined many a fantasy film and I think that Hollywood’s insistence on doing this will mean the genre is never truly appreciated for what it can offer.

Having said that I will be rambling on about some of my favourite fantasy films soon.

Praise to be Apis!

Praise Be To Apis!

I have a website and numerous online places where I ramble on about my Sand and Sorcery fixation.
But there is no single place that encompasses all the facets of that.
Crom's Anvil is where I sell my stuff.
The Wargames Website where I post about much of it, but then there is Twitter, Facebook and it's numerous groups.

I kind of wanted one site where I can just talk about anything that pops into my mind without worrying if it is the right sort of content for the site.

Expect posts about Crom's Anvil, Conan, Red Sonja, fantasy films, comics, novels, geek merchandise and all that stuff.

For now, enjoy this picture of Simurgh!